I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
