if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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