Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
