you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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