dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
