I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
