I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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