So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
