She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
