he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
