You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
