so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
