my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
