DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
