you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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