I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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