We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
