I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
