hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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