I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
