remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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