i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
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