the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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