If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
