Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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