we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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