I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
