i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
