I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
