cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I just found a bag of teeth...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
