Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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