Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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