Someone shit on the floor
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
