Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
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No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
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I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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