I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
