two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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