I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
