Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
