She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
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