Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Operation Purity has been aborted
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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