also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
