When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
