the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize