I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
The Olympian is in my bed
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
