One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
