Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Randomize
