I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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