I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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