dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
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