dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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