I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
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