can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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