...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
