There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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