Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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