Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
