i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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