So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
