need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
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It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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