i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
